Age of freedom: why sex in your 30s and 40s is so much better than before

“Happy Birthday,” read a text from a friend as I turned 40. “Welcome to the most sexually liberated era of your life.” She was half joking but there was also a hefty wedge of truth to what she said.

Plenty of studies and research have suggested that sex does get better with age; one of life’s finer pleasures (sometimes) that only improves with experience and understanding of self. So contrary to common myth, you’re unlikely to raising the roof with your bedroom antics in your 20s. That particular accolade kicks in a few years later. Here’s why…

With age comes that crucial confidence of knowing yourself

Sex often feels best when the mind and body come together. So, good communication is key. Whether you’re enjoying a one-night stand or having sex with someone a billionth time over in a long-term relationship, you need to be able to articulate what it is that you like, dislike and would like to experiment with.

Naturally, this can change the whole time, depending on your mood, hormone levels and a host of other factors. Research shows that many of us struggle to express what we want from sex – even people who’ve been married for decades may not necessarily share what turns them on. But undoubtedly, this is a skill that gets better with age as we navigate more of life, and lean into a deeper sense of integrity and emotional maturity.

By the time you hit your 30s and 40s, you begin to recognize your feelings like old friends – and can act on them accordingly. Fear of rejection and worrying what your partner thinks play a major role in people’s reluctance to speak about sex. Yet with age comes that crucial confidence of knowing yourself and being unapologetic about it.

In mid-life, many of us develop a newfound appreciation for our bodies

Negative body image can have a knock-on effect on pleasurable sex – or lack thereof. Studies show that body insecurity translates to poor sexual self-esteem and an inability to express what you want (your “sexual voice”). It’s a blocker, both emotionally and physically. On top of that, self-consciousness about your body can surface as a shared sense of awkwardness. Your partner might start questioning their performance and the whole thing becomes loaded and tense.

Body image is such a complex, sensitive issue and talking together does a lot to get around it (it’s one of the many issues addressed by sex therapists). But the good news is, we typically become a lot more body confident as we age. One New Zealand study indicates that both men and women feel happiest with their bodies aged 60; meaning there’s plenty of time if you still feel slightly disgruntled about yours.

The main takeaway, however, is that many of us develop a newfound appreciation and acceptance of what we look like in mid-life; we give less of a damn what people think. It helps that older generations are less susceptible to the comparison culture and impossible beauty standards put forth by social media.

Instead, there’s a sense of being able to just go ahead and enjoy sex, with less hang-ups lurking in the way.

Sex forms part of an open conversation about hopes and desires

Your partner can’t read your mind, so understanding each other’s expectations is central when it comes to great sex. Equally, science suggests that unrealistic beliefs are damaging, for example, assuming that your partner should intuitively know what you want.

In part, this again comes down to communication. When you’re in your 30s and 40s, you understand yourself better, so you can share your expectations more easily. But you’ve also had enough life experience to be resilient. Sex forms part of an open conversation where you can talk frankly about each other’s hopes and desires without causing offence. And the more you do this, the more satisfying it will typically be.

But another major difference is that generation X and millennials have skipped the advent of online pornography. Yes, we can access it (including a new genre of content that centres around ethical porn, open communication and a more balanced gender lens). But we didn’t grow up with it, so we have none of the toxic assumptions that can come from watching it without experience. Studies show that most young people believe porn offers a realistic picture of sex; they think that’s how it should feel, look and be. That in itself can be massively problematic when it comes to expectation versus truth.

There’s a sense of being able to just go ahead and enjoy the moment

The biggest difference of all with sex in your 30s and 40s comes down to quality over quantity. Research shows that more people in their 20s have more sex than any other age group. But do you remember sex in your 20s? Could you hand on heart say it was the best? More often than not it was riddled with awkwardness or a raft of insecurities that defined the decade at large. Or it seemed good at the time, but then you look back and think, “Never again!”

One study revealed 36 to be the prime age from which women start experiencing the perfect orgasm, with those in their mid-30s or above enjoying more frequent and better climaxes. Equally, for men it’s about having faith in what you do: a quality that develops with age.

“Like most things, sex gets better the more you do it and the more practised you are at it,” says sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox. “I suspect when they say ‘best sex,’ a lot of men mean it’s when they felt most confident as lovers. This reinforces what we’ve always known it’s not about quantity but quality.”

You’re more confident, less self-conscious and you know what you want

Great sex seems like a simple concept but there are a lot of things happening beneath the surface to help it become a thing. And your 30s and 40s is a time when these nuances come into their own. You’re more confident, less self-conscious and you know what you want.

At the same time, you grasp the power of communication and the importance of balancing expectations. That’s not to say that all sex will be amazing from your 30th birthday onwards (if only). But it does herald in an age of growing sensuality and self-belief, paving the path to a more satisfying sex life.

Images: Flash Pack