The best thing you can do as a woman in her 40s? Plan for the 80-year-old you

Like many women, I used to be great about the business of my business, but terrible about the business of myself. If you asked me how I was doing back then, I could tell you I was an excellent wedding planner, or that I thrived as a creative director for female-led brands. But I couldn’t tell you much about myself.

I also carried a lot of stress. At one point, I experienced panic attacks so severe that I ended up in the hospital for three days, initially fearing I was having a mini stroke. That experience became a turning point for me. I knew I needed to take a deeper look at my own wellbeing and ask myself some important questions: How am I managing my emotions? What does happiness look like in my everyday life? Am I living to work, or working to live? 

Those questions led me to becoming the lifestyle design expert you find today, helping other women – many of whom are in their 40s – to become the people they’ve always been under layers of expectation and angst.

So many women are afraid of ageing, but not me. I’m turning 47 next year, and I’m really excited about it. Why? I’m in a phase of radical reinvention; a midlife awakening, if you will. I’m open to what brings me joy – and I have the gumption to follow through on it. 

 

I used to carry a lot of stress. I was terrible at the business of myself

With everything I do, I envisage the 80-year-old I want to be. The spicy, capable, stylish Miss Candice who isn’t burned out and can still put her own bag into the overhead locker on a plane (that’s if she doesn’t have a beau on hand to help). 

Guess what I discovered? When you plan your happiness and headspace around the kick-ass 80-year-old you will one day be, everything becomes so much clearer and more purposeful. Here’s how other 40-something women can do the same:

Supersize your workout goals

Lately, when I strength train, I’m not just lifting a weight anymore. I’m thinking about things like, can I carry the groceries? Can I lift the suitcase into the overhead bin? Can I get up off the floor with ease? Can I travel? Can I walk around a city all day? Can I live in my home as long as possible? That’s the kind of healthy I’m interested in now. I still want to look good, absolutely, but I also want a body that lets me keep saying “yes!” to my life. 

It’s a message that resonates with people because your body receives what your mind believes. When you reframe your workout from dreaded chore into part of the big-picture you, your perspective shifts. It’s no longer about fitting into that summer dress, it’s about reaching the top of those steps in Mykonos and taking beautiful photos – not just now, but in 30 years’ time. Suddenly, you have real meaning and motivation behind the routine.

Protect your time

Quit trying to help everyone but yourself. The world doesn’t need your time so easily. I always use the analogy of an elevator. When you go into an elevator, there’s a sign that says, “this amount of weight is how much this elevator can hold”. If that weight is exceeded, the elevator will stop working.

The same goes for you. When you continuously exceed your own capacity, eventually something starts to give. Your energy, your wellbeing, your ability to be fully present in your own life. We all have limits, and learning to honor those limits is part of taking care of ourselves.

Quit trying to help everyone but yourself. Give yourself breathing space

The problem is, when life happens, “you” tends to be the first commitment you break (this is especially true for women). To counter this, you need to actively build you time into the rhythm of your daily life. Schedule for it. 

It’s a way to give yourself breathing space, but it’s also a lifeline. Building this quality of life is essential to getting to your 80s to begin with. Plus, when you arrive there, you don’t want to look back and think, “This life doesn’t belong to me. I didn’t even enjoy the journey because I was so busy filling it up with everything everyone else needed.” 

Schedule daily joy

So, how do you protect your time? Schedule you, not just your to-do list. Think of your calendar appointments as receipts of the life that you’re living. If all you have is client meetings or doctor’s appointments, you – the person with your own wants, needs and desires – are forgotten. You’re reduced to a series of bills, deliverables and tasks.

In my calendar, everything that’s about me, “Candice”, is color-coded in lilac. It might be a coffee date with my best friend, or a visit to a flower market. I might also schedule lilac time without knowing what it’s for yet. But the mere act of tangibly blocking out time gives room for that ease, flow and openness: a receptivity to whatever joy might come my way.

Part of this is also showing women that it’s OK to dilly-dally or frolic. You can be soft AND successful. A great work-life isn’t all about hustle and grind. Fine if you want it, but it’s also perfectly possible to be ambitious without sacrificing that gentler, more playful side of yourself. And your 80-year-old self will thank you for keeping that softness and humor alive.

Make decisions from a place of abundance

I’ve reinvented myself professionally several times, from event and wedding planning to creative direction and now lifestyle design. Each pivot has come with its own uncertainty, but I’ve learned to bet on myself. I focus on where I’m going, not just what I’m leaving behind. 

If you want to have a life that is healthy, happy and abundant, you have to let things go. Otherwise there’s no space for movement and development. You’re limiting yourself to the person you have been – rather than the woman you might become.

If you want a life that is happy and abundant, you have to let things go

When I moved from my city home in Baltimore to a new place in the mountains recently, everyone asked, “Oh, but aren’t you afraid you’re going to lose all of your friends and everything that you know?” The answer was no, because I was open to the new experiences and people coming into my world. Soon enough, I found a community of six women who were all new to the area too, and they’ve become like family to me. At the same time, I actually get to see more of my old friends than before, on weekend visits. 

Call it faith or blind delusion, this type of mindset gives you permission to make decisions from the version of you – including, ultimately, the 80-year-old you – that you want to be. It stops you from getting stuck.

Give yourself grace to grow

Finally: you’ve never been this version of yourself before so give yourself the space and grace to grow. We tend to give ourselves such a hard time about not meeting certain goals or living life in the way we think we should by a certain age. We’re forever thinking, “Man, I should have done this differently.” Or “I could have done this instead.”

We give this kind of leniency to children all the time. “Oh, they’re only five, they’re still learning.” Well, guess what? I’m only 46 and I’m still figuring it out, too. There’s no right or wrong way to succeed at life, we’re all just working it out. 

That process of learning – of trying, failing, trying again – never ends, either. If you’re lucky, the 80-year-old will still be going about her life with a spirit of curiosity and adventure. And she’ll get there by easing up on the pressure and keeping her child-like wonder alive.

Candice Denise is a Maryland-based lifestyle design expert and creator of The HA Effect™, helping women over 40 design healthier, happier, and more abundant lives. Through her digital content, lifestyle resources, and communities, she encourages women to make themselves a priority in the lives they’re building. Discover more by following her on Instagram @candicedenise.

Candice Denise is exclusively represented by JEXY Agency.

Images: Christa Booth for Candice Denise and Rachel Sarah, Connor McKracken and Sam Walker for Flash Pack