I had a breakdown during Covid. But a solo trip to Iceland helped to lift the cloud

In January 2024, at age 39, I stepped off of the longest plane ride of my life. I had never been outside of North America before, and it was only my second time traveling beyond the US. 

I’ve always been intrigued by Iceland, and my sense of curiosity deepened after watching an episode of Down to Earth with Zac Efron on Netflix. This faraway land seemed to have an abundance of natural beauty; from towering glaciers to spectacular fjords, lava fields and more. Unlike many others, I also enjoy a cold change of scenery. My hometown in Louisiana can get so swelteringly hot and humid, the contrast of an Icelandic winter is welcome. 

After the red eye flight and a brief bus commute, I arrived at our hotel in Reykjavík alongside another Flashpacker. We were super-early, and I was totally thrown off by the lack of sunlight – in January, the sun appears only from about 11am until 2pm in Iceland. We joined our fellow Flash Pack travelers in the late afternoon and introduced ourselves. It was great to meet a lot of young professionals around the same age. We all shared a lot in common, but our stories differed.

Some people grew up in London, others were going through breakups. And, while some needed to get away, others were just there for a good time. I chose not to share too much of my own background, because at that stage, I didn’t know how well I’d cope with the trip. I didn’t want to ask for sympathy, either, because we all have life to deal with.

I joined the trip in the shadow of a mental health crisis

I joined the trip in the shadow of my own battle, however. Four years prior, during the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic, I experienced a mental crisis. Just before the onset of the pandemic, I was seeing a psychiatric nurse to help me adjust my anxiety medication. Generalized anxiety disorder is something I’ve dealt with and controlled pretty well since high school, but in 2019, I was feeling a bit out of sorts. 

But as a result of that appointment, we settled for a treatment that was too high of a dosage for my brain to handle. It set me up for a crisis, and the gasoline poured on that flame was the pandemic forcing me to shut down my eye clinic. I had to lay off all eight of my employees, my associate eye doctor, and myself. 

I didn’t stop work, however. In fact, I saw the worst injuries and complications of my career during those first few months of Covid. But it was just me running the show, with help from my office manager (even though we were both laid off at the time).

By the time we could open our doors and see more than just emergencies and high-risk patients, I needed to take two weeks off to recharge. Yet, no matter how hard I tried to relax, I could not turn off my brain. I started acting out of character, and one day I lost all control. I woke up in a mental health hospital, wondering how something like this – medication-induced psychosis – could ever happen to me. 

There was a time when I believed I’d never experience joy again

The next two years were absolutely grueling. My brain crashed hard, and I spent nearly all of that time in a deep depression. I could barely make it out of bed to the couch, let alone take care of myself and my two dogs. I finally found a fantastic psychiatrist, therapist, and internist to help me. Slowly, I started to feel like my old self again. But it took a long grind of therapy, exercise and good nutrition to get there, with many bumps along the way. 

I continued to experience problems in my recovery, but I went ahead and booked Flash Pack’s winter Iceland trip all the same. Alongside optometry and playing music, travel is one of my biggest passions. There was a time during my depression that I truly, deeply felt I would never again experience the joy these lifetime hobbies had brought me. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this; that it was possible to revive that flame within.

Our pack was led by Joi Johansson, who was incredible and is an actor in Iceland. The sky ended up being too cloudy to see the Northern Lights during our trip, but boy, did we experience some amazing things: huge waterfalls, geysers, springs and saunas, to name a few. 

We hiked a glacier wearing crampons, which was thrilling. We came across an adorable wild arctic fox named Mickey. And we stood on the famous black sand beaches on the coast. We made the absolute most of our time there, and a few of us stayed an extra day to do some whale watching and visit the Blue Lagoon.

I had to pace myself when it came to energy and social capacity

The highlight of the trip for me came when we visited Gullfoss waterfall one early morning. It was so beautiful. It was the first time in my life that nature brought me to tears. But it also felt like a turning point for me. It seemed as though the trials and tribulations of the past three years were washed away at that very moment. 

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I faced some struggles on the trip, too. Traveling to Iceland was a lot to take on, and I wasn’t as far along in my recovery as I had thought. Things like jet lag and the daylight also wrecked my sleep/wake cycle. I had enough energy and willpower to make it through each day’s itinerary, but that was about it. 

I couldn’t muster up a second wind to hang with my travel mates past dinner time. Overall, I wasn’t quite ready for the social demands of meeting 13 new people on this trip – even though I usually love socializing. Although I wish I could have had more stamina and social capacity, I learned two incredibly valuable lessons from my time in Iceland:

1.) The hurdles I experienced on the trip made me more determined than ever to recover fully.

2.) I’ve already survived my hardest challenges. If I could make it through those terrible years of 2020 and beyond, then I could fly to the other side of the world, hike glaciers and truck over icy and mountainous terrain. And if I could take on Iceland at 60%, then I could do anything – including getting back to 100%.

 

Iceland was thrilling and beautiful. It felt like a turning point

I’m happy to report that, as of early 2025, I feel I have reached that number. My band, Dr. C & the Gris Gris, is playing shows and recording music. My optometry clinic is as busy as ever. I got back into tennis and weightlifting, and I’ve started losing the weight I put on during my recovery treatment. Oh, and I booked my second Flash Pack trip, this time to Oaxaca, Mexico. I’m looking forward to thriving on that voyage 💪🏻🧠. 

Dr. Ryan Cazares is an optometrist and musician based in Louisiana. He traveled with Flash Pack to Iceland.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health problems, seek help and support at Mind and the NHS (UK), or 988 Lifeline and National Alliance on Mental Illness (US).