Life beyond mom guilt: how traveling alone made me whole again
After the whirlwind of becoming a mum to her now-toddler daughter, Millette Stambaugh – founder of the travel blog, The Next Somewhere – revived her identity with a series of solo trips abroad
I have been traveling for most of my life. It’s very much at the heart of my story as an immigrant to the United States. My dad moved our whole family from the Philippines to America when I was little. Money was extremely tight when we first arrived but my father also worked in the airline industry. He’s the one who gave me wings.
It was very unusual at that time to travel with such a big family – I’m the eldest of four siblings – but we did it a lot. My dad would say, “Let’s go to Paris for the weekend and bring the Hunchback of Notre Dame to life.” My mum gave me roots, but she was also a big traveler. Together, they taught us kids how to love the world.
Traveling is at the heart of my story as an immigrant
My adventurous childhood gave me a different perspective on parenting and travel. Jumping on a plane with kids always felt possible to me because that’s how I grew up. My parents were so resourceful, they ensured we could have those moments abroad – and even though we weren’t well off, we became rich in world experiences.
After my Dad died when I was in college, traveling also became my way of honoring his memory. I feel his absence less when I look at how my siblings and I are all drawn to the traveling thing. It’s a key part of our identities that we juggle alongside work, relationships and other life commitments.
In fact, I was traveling when I met my now-husband, Tim, in 2016. I was teaching in South Korea at the time (Tim is half-Korean himself) and we quickly embarked on a seven-month passion trip around SouthEast Asia – backpacking across Thailand, Cambodia, Nepal, India and my original homeland of the Philippines.
That’s also the point where I began my travel blog, The Next Somewhere. I happen to be a self-taught graphic designer and avid journaler, so the blog became a space for expressing those skills. It began as a means of communicating with my family on the road, but it soon grew into something bigger: a community driven by my love for destination preoccupation and the question of “where next?”
My husband, Tim, recognizes that travel is a priority for me
My blog became even more important as I entered into my journey of motherhood. After our travels together, Tim and I moved back to the States. He has grown to appreciate being grounded, and adventure is less important to him. However, for me, travel continues to be non-negotiable.
Tim and I are really good at checking in with one another. We’ve been together for 10 years now, and at every stage of our life together, we continue to stay vocal about our needs and wants. We’ve gone through major milestones like parenthood and home ownership, but he recognises that travel is will always be a lifestyle need I prioritize.
It’s worked out very well, because after our daughter, Marcela, arrived two years ago, Tim enabled me to continue to travel solo. When I spent time in Albania with my girlfriends recently, I never worried once about my daughter and household – knowing that Tim is an equal opportunity partner AND parent.
It’s really something to celebrate, because it means that I never have that fear of whether I can make a solo trip happen – when so many moms like me are afraid to take that step. It’s lovely to have something to come back to, as well.
The ability to ground and recharge solo makes me a better parent
Tim’s not the only one to support my travel passion since becoming a parent. I’m supported by so many people, including my sisters and brothers who help babysit. They understand how parents, and especially moms, can become marginalized and forgotten on the path to, and in the wake of, having a baby.
We’re told [by society] to just wear one hat – motherhood – when in truth, that limitation is sometimes more self-imposed than it is societal. Mothers continue to have many identities available to us and solo travel is very much a reminder of that; as much as it is a return to our former selves.
When I stepped off the plane in Cuba, my first solo trip after having Marcela, it was like the weight of the world was released from my body. It felt like a return to self: the place I was before becoming a parent. Suddenly, I was able to channel that personality and energy that exists in me outside of being a mom. I became a past version of myself, but also a more improved version of myself. And that ability to ground and recharge solo makes me a better parent.
Since her birth, I’ve traveled without Marcela everywhere from New Orleans and Puerto Rico to Italy. It’s made me realize that mom guilt truly is a self-imposed concept. It can feel hard at first. But once you take that plunge on your first solo trip, you find yourself releasing all those societal pressures around motherhood.
It’s possible to release those societal pressures around motherhood
Whenever I feel selfish now, I remind myself I can’t be the best version of myself if I don’t routinely attend to my own wellness. If you think about safety guidance on planes, they say put your air mask on first before attending to others and this is how I view my solo trips: the time to breathe again in order to attend to others.
I’ve also traveled extensively with Marcela since she was born, too. A memorable overseas moment was the time she took her first steps in the British Museum. Of course, the logistics of traveling with kids are intense and it’s true what they say: it takes a village to make it happen. I had one particularly heinous flight from London to Philly that I would rather go through labor again rather than repeat. Not to be overly dramatic, but Marcela just would not settle and it was challenging in ways that almost put me off traveling with kids entirely.
That disastrous flight was a reality check that humbled and helped me recalibrate my expectations of traveling with children, while also revealing that even though travel might be harder, I still love it. And I love it in a new way only parents could know – I felt so fulfilled by the opportunity to share the world with my daughter – and give her the lived experiences that I could never hope to teach. My own childhood has taught me that if you start with this approach early – using travel as a classroom – it builds character in a way parents cannot.
Because of my upbringing, I welcome the newness and novelty of change. I’m not disrupted by it in the same way other people seem to be. If you’ve ever been at an airport with four children who are hot, hungry and tired, and you still manage to create a fun atmosphere – as my parents did – you can do anything.
There’s real symmetry between travel and the journey into parenting
Of course, traveling with children is very different to traveling before them. But that’s also the beauty of it. In many ways there’s real symmetry between the act of travel and the journey into parenting. As travelers, you expect the unexpected. That’s why (for both children and exploring), it’s called a journey. So a kind reminder to fellow traveling parents: treat your own journeys in parenthood with the same grace and patience you give yourself when venturing into unfamiliar destinations.
There are many ways to travel as a parent but, for me, continuing to solo travel was like an epiphany. The truth is, there are days when children will demand more love than you’re able to give. When you’re depleted, undone or feel like you’ve lost your sense of self, a solo trip is there to remind you of your power: to show that you are a strong and capable person. It brings you back to yourself, and makes you whole again.
Millette Stambaugh is a parent and founder of the travel blog, The Next Somewhere.
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