Happier than ever? The truth about being single in your 40s

With more and more people choosing to live alone and not have children, it’s hardly uncommon to be single and child-free in your 40s. But our understanding of what this means — and the freedom that it can bring — is still evolving. Outdated notions of what women, in particular, should want form an implicit story that is often wildly out of step with reality.

It’s an issue that lies at the heart of No One Tells You This, a 2018 memoir by New York writer, Glynnis MacNicol. Approaching her 40th birthday, Glynnis had a great career and a life that she loved. But still, she found herself framed by the expectations of other people; people who felt she must want babies or a partner in order to feel fulfilled. The message that being single at 40 is somehow taboo was backed up by almost every book, film and magazine she came across.

“It was nearly impossible, no matter how smart, educated or lucky I was, not to conclude that I had officially become the wrong answer to the question of what made a woman’s life worth living,” says Glynnis.

So, instead of feeling bad about being child-free and single – as society apparently expected her to – Glynnis decided to create a blueprint for people like her. No One Tells You This documents Glynnis’ life at 41, from life-changing adventures to dating and friendships. It unpicks the question, “If a story doesn’t end with marriage or a child, what then?”

Here are just a few of her brilliantly observed insights on being child-free and single in her 40s:

Reframing the single myth

“Culturally there’s a lot of messaging out there that after the age of 40, if you have not acquired a partner or child, you are sort of in a no-man’s land of invisibility and things will probably be horrible for you from here on out. I had been prepared to dread this period of my life, but never prepared to enjoy it.” – Refinery 29

Questioning the narrative

“I’d never bothered to seriously question whether I actually wanted to be married with kids, or even just with kids. I had simply taken it as a given – like financial security and regular exercise – they were obvious outcomes that sane people generally aimed their lives toward.” – Simon and Schuster

Done feeling bad

“I made myself say it out loud: ‘I might always be alone’. It sounded less overwhelming against the noise of the breaking waves. I laughed. ‘Fuck off,’ I thought, ‘I am done feeling bad.’ And then aloud: ‘I can do whatever I want.’” – Elle magazine

A new kind of story

“There’s no such thing as ‘all.’ I simply have as much, and as little, as any other woman I know and look forward to the day when women – single, married and otherwise – no longer need the words ‘husband’ and ‘baby’ to act as a special lemon juice squeezed over our lives in order to make them visible.” – The New York Times

Where are the role models?

“There are literally no stories about women that don’t end with marriage or a baby. We have so many role models as girls, growing up, independent characters: Harriet the Spy, The Secret Garden, The Hunger Games… But those stories essentially end with puberty.” – The Washington Post

Women and adventure

“Women on road trips aren’t tragedies waiting to happen. Like men, we’re free. We don’t hear enough about women doing epic, exhilarating things without the comfortably defining presence of a man.” – The Guardian

Finding purpose

“My life is more enjoyable now than it has ever been – and more fulfilling. My relationships have deepened; I feel more secure and confident. The word I come back to is that I feel incredibly powerful. That is the antithesis of what you’re conditioned to think [as a single woman in her 40s] – you’re supposed to think of yourself as a disappearing entity with no agency.” – The Washington Post

Images: Flash Pack

This article was originally published in 2018.